Don't Forget
by xxShonaNinjaxx
Summary: I never wanted to hurt you. I wish I could take it all back. But I know it's too late. I can never undo what I've done to you. I love you, Tavros. Please don't forget me. (TRIGGER WARNING: contains images of self-abuse)
1. Chapter 1

**WARNING: story may contain triggering images and feels-inducing elements. proceed with caution.**

**Some backstory: post-homestuck, trolls have moved to Earth since Alternia has been destroyed. Beta and Alpha kids' universes have merged into one timeline, they now all live together in the same universe. Sopor no longer exists, since it was an Alternian substance, and Gamzee is no longer an addict. He takes extremely potent medication to control his insanity, as well as "tranquilizers" for emergency situations, in case the medication wears off. He and Tavros became matesprits shortly after the game ended. Betas and trolls are around 17, Alpha kids are all around 20.**

**Okay, that's enough out of me. I need to shut up and get the story started.**

Chapter 1

It's been hours. At least I think it's been hours. I can't really tell what time it is. I haven't even motherfucking bothered to look at the clock. I lift my head and glance at the digital reading. It's almost 4 AM. It's been six hours. Six hours since I came back from the hospital. Ten since it happened.

I thought staying with Rose for a week would be a good idea. Tavros, Terezi and I hadn't been off the island in over a month. Rose lives close by, they said. Plenty of room at her place. Out in the woods, not too much publicity. Only a few hours by boat and a few more by car. I can't believe I actually motherfucking thought this would be good for us.

If only I could have seen that this would happen.

I'd only had enough medication to last me the week. Just until I could get back to the island. Then Jade and her chemistry set could alchemize another month of doses.

It was all Terezi's fault. No, not really. She was drunk. She didn't know what she was doing. Her and Roxy both thought that it was just another little prank. Then they both got piss-motherfucking-wasted, blacked the fuck out and forgot.

She thought it would be funny to throw out my pills. Maybe she hadn't motherfucking thought at all. I can't be sure if she had realized if it was the only thing that could control my mental condition. Sopor doesn't exist on this planet. That human medecine just didn't work on me. That I couldn't get by on tranquilizers. The tiny syringes of sedative are for emergencies only, and they don't last very long.

I didn't tell anyone about my medication. They would think it was me. They would think I was slipping again, just like I did all those years ago. I couldn't let that happen. Besides, I'd only have to hold out for a few days until I went back. It didn't seem like such a long time. But it was still too long.

The shock pens. They were all I had now. It was a good thing that I had one when it happened. Otherwise I would have killed him. I'd come close enough. And I still feel like shit.

I love him.

He didn't deserve it.

I just want to die.

0o0o0o0o0

_I'm lying down on my temporary bedroom floor. Meg & Dia is playing in the background. But I'm not really listening to the music. I'm more focused on him._

_Tavros is lying on the carpet with me, his eyes closed. His head is resting on my stomach. His horns can cover the distance across my entire body, all the way from my neck to my hips. Seems kind of weird on such a tiny troll. I have my arm over his chest, my hand feeling the gentle pulse of his heart. He breathes in. I feel my own heart speeding up._

_"Hey, Gamzee?"_

_I look down at him. "Yeah, bro?"_

_He opens his eyes. "How long has it been?"_

_I try and think back to when it all started. It seems like forever. I remember I was the one who asked him. He'd been so motherfucking shy. Vriska had broken up with him a month earlier. I'd already known he liked me. It was pretty obvious that I had felt the same way. I didn't really know how long it had been since then. But I try to find a point in time anyway._

_"A year, I think," I say. "We've been matesprits for a year."_

_Tavros smiles shyly and looks up at me. He pulls himself up and crawls up toward me. His face draws close to mine. "You're sure?"_

_I shake my head. "I don't really know," I answer, shrugging. "It seemed about right, though." I put my arms around his tiny frame and pull him towards me. Tavros smiles and our lips meet. He rolls over on top of me and I hold him close, my arms pinning him against me. I gently trace his lips with my tongue, then his mouth opens over mine. He tastes like happiness. I don't want it to end._

_After a few minutes, he pulls back. His face is flushed brown from his blood rushing to the surface of his skin. He looks at me, a stupid, starstruck smile on his face. I'm pretty sure I look the same way. He comes closer and rests his forehead against my chest. "I love you."_

_I smile and stroke his fluffy mohawk. "I love you too, Tav." I lean down to kiss his forehead. He nuzzles back. I never want to let him go. He's my little miracle. I hope he knows that._

_"Tavros?"_

_"Mm?"_

_"Did you ever think... We'd end up like this?"_

_I feel him smiling again. He presses himself closer to me. "No," he murmurs. "But I'm glad that we did."_

_I squish him against my chest. "So am I."_

_That's when it happens._

_That's when my motherfucking insanity finally decides to take over._

_I should have told someone about Terezi's stupid little motherfucking prank. They would have understood. I don't know why I thought they would blame me. I'd been stupid. Two days. It had only been two days. I thought I would be able to hold out longer. But no._

_And it had to motherfucking happen at a time like this._

_My hearing is the first thing to go. The room goes silent and a painful ringing fills my ears. I'm choking. I feel like there's cold water surrounding me, thousands of feet deep, crushing my ribs. My arms loosen their grip on Tavros. I'm slipping under. I can feel it._

_Tavros pulls back and looks at me. His eyes, his sweet, beautiful brown eyes, are the size of frisbees. He's terrified. His lips are moving, but I can't hear anything he's saying._

_My vision starts going blurry. Shadows dance across my eyes, throwing random spurts of colors and darkness at my face. I hear Tavros. He's screaming._

_"Gamzee? Gamzee, answer me! Are you okay? Gam-"_

_He fades out._

_It's too late. The motherfucking darkness is taking over._

_I hit the floor._

_Everything goes black._

_The first thing I feel is the tiny, cold sting in my side. My hand flails blindly to sweep it away. My vision is still black. I hit something small, and it clatters to the floor. I'm lying on top of something soft. I feel it rise weakly. It's breathing. It's alive._

_My vision and hearing slowly fade back in. I open my eyes. The music has stopped. I grope blindly around the floor to find what had been stuck to me before. Something warm and slick is soaked into the carpet. My fingers close around something small, cold and hard. I lift it to my face. It's a shock pen._

_My fingers are stained with brown. So is the carpet._

_That can only mean one thing._

_One motherfucking thing._

_I scramble backwards, dragging my weight off of whatever I was on top of. I hold back a scream._

_It's Tavros._

_He's lying comatose on the floor. Cocoa-brown blood is splattered all over the room. All over me, too. His soft grey skin is covered in bruises. His breathing is faint and shallow. One of his legs looks smashed, and his left wrist is bent backward at a weird angle. He's staring blankly up at the ceiling, his eyes half-closed and glassy._

_"Tavros?" I whisper, tears dragging at my voice. I crawl over to him. He isn't moving. I reach out and gently touch his arm. He doesn't respond. "Tavros?" I say, just a little louder. "Tavros, can you hear me? Wake up, Tav. Come on, it's me. I'm okay now."_

_He takes a shaky, gasping breath. His ribs must be broken. He can't breathe. His eyes move and he looks up at me._

_My heart motherfucking snaps. I kneel next to him and pick him up off the floor, cradling his head in my lap. He struggles to take another breath. "Gam...zee..." he chokes._

_"Did I do this to you?" I ask. My eyes are stinging with tears. "Tavros, answer me!" I demand, choking back a sob. "Did I do this?"_

_He smiles weakly. Sheer brown teardrops gather in the corners of his eyes. "It's...o...kay..." he whispers._

_Tears are streaming over my face. I want to scream. How could I do this to him? "I'm sorry, Tavros," I sob. "I'm so sorry. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't..."_

_His smile fades. He stares blankly up at me. The tears in his eyes fall, sliding over the sides of his face to the floor. His eyes close. He goes limp in my arms._

_"Tavros?" I choke. He doesn't respond. "Tavros?" I say it again, louder this time. I say his name over and over, louder every time until I'm screaming. He still won't wake up._

_I did this to him. This is all my fault._

_I clutch Tavros against my chest and scream my motherfucking lungs out._

0o0o0o0o0

Then Roxy came home. She heard me upstairs. Saw me clutching my matesprit's limp body. She was the one who called 911. I watched as they loaded Tavros into the back of the ambulance. I had lost control again. And this was how I had to pay for it.

Roxy drove Rose, Terezi and me to the hospital an hour later. We waited for Tavros to come out of surgery. By the time they we were finally allowed to come see him, I had cried so hard that my makeup had been washed off by my tears. The doctor led us into the ICU. He was lying in one of the beds, looking more tiny and fragile than I had ever seen him. Still unconscious. The nurse standing by said that he was in a coma. We couldn't do anything but wait until he woke up.

I listened as they told Roxy all the things that had happened. Severe head trauma. Broken wrist. Multiple leg fractures. Six broken ribs. Internal bleeding. All courtesy of me and my motherfucking inner demons that I just can't seem to control.

I finally told everyone what had happened to my pills. They understood. At least I think they did. They still quarantined me the minute we got back from the hospital. It didn't stop me from finding a razor and adding a few new scars to the collection on my wrist. I know I had promised myself I would stop. I guess this means I lied. Rose called Jade at the island and said that the new medication should be here by tomorrow night. Not that it'll be much motherfucking help now.

I guess that's why I'm still here. Still rolled up in a ball and crying my motherfucking heart out.

What the hell have I done?


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

I wake up to the sound of the phone ringing outside in the hall. It's the landline, not my cell. Not for me, I'd guess. I glance at the clock. It's almost two in the afternoon. I must have come up here and motherfucking passed out again. It makes sense. I haven't been sleeping for the past three days. Not after what I've done.

I haven't been able to come back to the hospital since that first night. I spent almost a whole motherfucking day locked in my room until my new meds got delivered. Jake stayed the night. He asked me how I was doing once I'd been medicated again. I didn't say much. He left the next day. I couldn't go back to visit Tavros, not even after I was sure I wouldn't have another breakdown. Rose had even offered to take me. She had just gotten her probationary license, after all. But I didn't think I'd be able to handle seeing him like that. It just hurt too motherfucking much.

The phone outside rings again. I don't get up. Someone's bound to pick up eventually. I hear Rose's voice out in the hallway. Roxy must be drunk again. Big motherfucking surprise.

She picks up the phone and the ringing stops. "Hello? Yes, this is Rose Lalonde. Roxy isn't... um... available right now."

Yeah. Because she's motherfucking drunk.

I keep listening to Rose. "Yes. Tavros Nitram. Yes, the troll. He's the only nonhuman patient you have."

I sit up. It must be the hospital calling. I can't help but think something's happened.

"Why, what's going on? Has something... What?" Her voice takes on a note of surprise. I lean towards the doorway and listen harder. "He has? Really? Oh my god. That's... That's fantastic! He's finally conscious again? This is great!"

I feel like I've been drowning and someone just pulled me to shore. He's okay. I can't believe it. Rose keeps talking. "When do you think we'll be able to... Huh? What is it?"

I freeze. Something's wrong. "He what? But... how can you tell? Oh... Oh, I... Really?" She goes silent for a minute. I'm on the edge of my bed waiting for more. "You think so? I don't know if that's such a good idea." She quiets down for another minute. "Okay. Okay, I'll let him know."

Him? Is she talking about me? Before I can think any further, the phone hangs up. I hear Rose's footsteps slowly getting louder. I crash back onto my bed and try to look like I'm asleep. My door swings open. "Gamzee?"

I raise my head and look towards the door. Rose is standing there, her silhouette standing out against the bright lights of the hallway and its wide, sunlit windows. "What is it?" I mumble, trying to sound tired.

She flicks my room light on. "Quit that already, would you? I know you weren't really asleep." She walks in and sits on the edge of my bed. "The hospital just called. Did you hear what it was about?"

I sit up, finally awake. "Only bits and pieces. Did something happen?"

Rose stares off into space. "Well... I have good news and bad news." She turns toward me again. "The good news is, Tavros is awake."

"What? Seriously?" I try to look surprised. She nods. At least she's fallen for this one.

"But..." Rose trails off. I give up the surprised look.

"Did something happen? I thought you said he was okay now."

"I... Look. Dr. Komugi called to say that Tavros has finally come out of his coma. He seems perfectly fine. But there's something wrong."

"What?" Whatever was left of my heart gets ripped in half. I can't manage to cough up any more words. I'm too motherfucking deep in shock.

"He explained it over the phone. He said-"

"Take me to the hospital," I finally manage to spit out.

"Gamzee, I didn't even-"

"Just take me there. Now, okay?" I demand. Everything that I've been feeling for the past few days gets pushed aside. It doesn't matter what's wrong. I have to see him.

"Are you sure?" she asks me softly.

"Yes," I snap. "I have to see him. I can handle it now. I promise. Just take me to him."

Silence falls for a few minutes. Rose finally nods and gets up. I pull my jacket on, slide my feet into a pair of Converse and run out to Roxy's car. Rose is already in the driver's seat. I climb into the passenger side and she rolls out of the driveway and starts on the route out to the hospital. I'm silent for the entire drive.

Finally we pull into the parking lot. I climb out and race up to the main entrance. Rose barely has enough time to check us in for visiting hours before I've started off for Tav's room in the ICU. I can't stand just waiting around here. He's here. He's awake. I have to get to him or I swear I'll have a motherfucking heart attack.

Rose manages to slow me down to a powerwalk until we reach his door. I peer in through the window. There he is, sitting up in bed, staring out the window. One of his legs looks thicker than the other under the blanket, and his wrist is in a cast. There are bandages wrapped around his head. I want so motherfucking badly to go in and hold him again, kiss him, tell him I'm sorry and that I promise it will never happen again. And...

Suddenly I'm not so sure.

I freeze, one hand on the door handle. It makes me wonder if he'll remember what I did to him. I wonder if that'll be all he remembers about me. If I walk in and he sees me, and he realizes that I was the one who did this to him...

Suddenly Tavros turns his head. He's looking at the door. Looking at me through the skinny glass window above the handle. His face goes blank for a second. He blinks at me as if I'm a stranger. I stare back, not sure what's going through his head.

Tavros's eyes light up. He smiles. My heart starts pounding. I throw the door open and practically hurl myself into the room. I crash-land on the sterile white hospital bed next to Tav and hug him tightly against my chest, burying my face in his mohawk. He winces. I remember his injuries. I loosen my grip on him and pull back. I feel tears running over my face already. He's still smiling. "T-Tavros..." I say softly. "You're okay."

He looks up at me and blinks again. "Gamzee?" he murmurs. He rests his head against my chest. "What happened?"

"Tav... I..." I stutter, trying to find something to say. I can't tell him. Not now. I look down at him and pet his hair, feeling him pressed comfortingly close to me. "It's not important, bro. You're okay now. That's all that matters to me now."

We don't move, don't even speak, for the longest time. I can't think of anything to say to him, only want to feel him there and have him close to me, knowing he's alive. It's enough just to be here with him, even if he's broken, covered in plaster bandages and hooked up to an IV.

"Gamzee?"

I almost don't hear him. His voice is so motherfucking quiet. "Yeah?" I answer, just as softly.

He nuzzles his head against me. "Is anyone else here?"

"What are you talking about?"

He pulls back and looks at me. "Well, it just seemed kind of weird that only one of my friends would show up. Do they not know I'm awake yet or something?"

At first I don't understand. I stare at him, not sure what he means. He stares straight back at me. Neither of us says anything.

Finally he looks away and buries his face in my shirt again. "Never mind. It's okay, I guess. Not everyone has to be here. You're my _best_ friend, after all. You're the only one that I had really wanted to be here." He pulls back and looks up at me. "We are still friends, aren't we?" He tilts his head, smiling.

The realization hits me like a club to the face.

It all makes sense. That's why he's so happy to see me. He's not even motherfucking upset.

That's why he's saying all this motherfucking nonsense. I can't believe I didn't see it before.

The doctor had said there was something wrong. Rose had tried to tell me. I'd never let her finish what she was saying. I was so unbelievably motherfucking stupid.

He doesn't know what I did to him. He doesn't know that I'm the one who put him here in the first place. He doesn't even know that we're matesprits.

I pull Tavros close to me and hug him again. "Of course we are," I say numbly.

It all makes motherfucking sense now.

He doesn't remember a thing.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

I stayed for hours. I'm not sure how many. I only knew that by the time Rose drove us back home, it was after dark. It was still too soon to take Tavros home from the hospital.

Another day, Dr. Komugi said. Just another day to make sure that nothing else was wrong, replace the casts on his arm and wrist, secure his ribs so they'd heal correctly, and all sorts of other motherfucking medical bullshit. I wasn't really listening. I only wanted him to come back. But I still had to wait. Maybe it was for the best.

In the short time between tonight and tomorrow, I've made it a priority to tell everyone what had happened. Roxy and Terezi got the news first. They took it pretty motherfucking badly. They haven't said anything to me since. Makes sense. This is sort of their fault.

I messaged everyone back on the island later on. I didn't want them mentioning anything Tav wouldn't remember. I didn't know how long this would last. I wanted him to get his memories back. It just wasn't the same when he didn't have them. He wasn't the same. But there was something in me that hoped he would never remember.

Karkat wanted to see me on videochat. I guess text wasn't enough for him. I forced a smile for him when our servers finally linked up and his face appeared on my screen. He didn't return the favor.

"Did you do it again?" he asks without even saying hello.

I don't even bother playing dumb. I lift up my arm and show him the four new slash marks on my left wrist, the same one that I had broken on my matesprit.

He winces. "Jegus, Gamzee," he says, shaking his head. "You have a problem."

"You're motherfucking realizing that now?" I shoot back.

"Okay, I'm not even going to try empathizing, because we both know I have no experience with stuff like this." Karkat shuffles around and adjusts his webcam. "It won't be anything you haven't heard already anyway, right?"

"What do you mean no experience?" I ask, thinking back to his own heartbreak a few months earlier. "What about Terezi?"

"Okay, if that bitch wanted to give me up so she could have Dave McFuckass Strider, fine by me!" he snaps. Funny. That wasn't what he thought when he was crying over her until he passed out at 2 am. I'd spent the night in his room, doing the best i could to make sure he didn't wake up and do something motherfucking stupid. It still makes me wonder why he acts like it never happened.

"Look," he says, calming down again, "I just... I don't know what to say. It's just... It's so fucking tragic, it seems like a movie or something. I don't even know how this could have been possible."

"Yeah. Might want to ask your ex. This whole motherfucking disaster was her idea in the first place." I curl up with a pillow in front of my laptop and push my bangs out of my face. Honestly, he's right. And I'm not sure what to say, either.

Neither of us says anything for a while. Karkat looks at me through the webcam lens and finally speaks up. "What are you going to do now?"

"What do you mean?"

"When he comes back... He really doesn't remember anything?"

I shake my head. "Nothing. I mean, I'm glad he doesn't hate me, but... It's like he's not even motherfucking there anymore."

Karkat sighs and looks away. "I... I can't help you. I'm so sorry."

I stare through the screen, wishing he was here. I've never needed him more.

"That's okay, Karkles. You don't have to."

0o0o0o0o0

I wake up the next morning feeling torn in half. I can't help wondering if Tavros has regained his memories yet or not. Even worse, whether or not he'll hate me if he does. It had kept me awake almost all night. I was tossing and turning until nearly 3 AM.

I dragged myself out of bed and through my morning routine, ripping snarls out of my wavy mess of hair, smearing makeup on my face, thinking the whole time about Tavros. He'd be coming back from the hospital today. I'd see him again, for more than a few hours this time. I was excited and dreading it at the same time.

A few more hours passed, then Roxy finally yelled at everyone upstairs that she was leaving and anyone who didn't come down right then could burn in hell for being a shitty friend. I guess that meant she'd actually managed to stay sober for a whole motherfucking day.

I jammed my feet into my converse and raced downstairs. I froze before I crossed through the front door. I couldn't stop thinking that when Tavros saw me again, he would be different. But my heart won me over and I took another step, then broke out into a run for Roxy's car a few seconds before she peeled out of the driveway and sped down the road.

When we reached the hospital, I couldn't bring myself to step out of the car. I was afraid to rush in like I had yesterday. Terezi didn't want to go either. At least I had her to keep me company as Rose and Roxy stepped out and made their way toward the main entrance. Terezi and I were sitting in silence, scrunched up in the backseat for gog-knows-how-motherfucking-long while Roxy, the only one out of any of us over 18, signed all of the important papers and discharged my matesprit from the ICU. Neither of us could find the words to speak. All we could do is wait for him to show.

Finally the huge glass revolving door starts to spin. The movement catches my eye and I jump up from my seat and press my hands to the window. Roxy and Rose, walking at a slow, steady pace, and one smaller figure between them, loping across the parking lot on a pair of crutches. He's not in a wheelchair. Thank gog. He's only had his legs back for a year. I don't think I could live with myself if I'd paralyzed him a second time.

My heart motherfucking explodes. I pull back on the door handle and throw myself out of the car, racing across the pavement at a dead sprint. I skid to a stop in front of Tavros, tighten my arms around him and press him against me, lifting him up off his crutches. He laughs softly and I feel his small, skinny arms wrap around my waist. He buries his face in my chest. I feel like crying again. But I'm not going to. He still wouldn't understand.

Rose and Roxy manage to pry him away from me long enough to help him into the car. His right leg, broken in four places, is wrapped in a stiff, heavy cast. I have to sit through the ride back with his leg in my lap. I don't care. I'm too motherfucking happy that he's back.

By the time we get back to the house, it's as if nothing has happened. The only evidence that anything had gone wrong is that Tavros has one of his legs and arms in a cast and a line of stitches behind his right ear. But then, no one even seems to notice that. It's as if four days ago never even happened.

Either that, or everyone is really motherfucking good at pretending.

I spend the rest of the day glued to Tavros. I can't let him out of my sight. Letting go for a few days and being so uncertain over him was torture. I feel as though getting separated from him would kill me. Who knows? Maybe it will. I never want to let go of him again.

But something's different. He doesn't know it. But I do. I still have the feelings that I did before. He used to have them, too. Only he doesn't now.

I want to hold him, kiss him, nip at his nose and make him laugh like we used to. But I can't. He thinks we're still just friends. It makes me wonder exactly how much got erased. If I tried to make him remember...

No. No, then he'd motherfucking hate me for sure.

I love him. But I don't think he feels the same about me anymore.

0o0o0o0o0

It's late. I'm pretty sure Tavros is supposed to be getting more rest than this. But for some reason he's still hanging out with me, watching Netflix movies on the TV in the wizard-encrusted living room at nearly midnight. He's half asleep. Honestly, so am I. We're both wrapped up in a Snuggie, his little head leaned against my shoulder.

The movie's almost over. Tavros's eyes are slowly drifting shut. "Gamzee?" he murmurs.

His voice is so quiet, I almost don't hear him. I glance down at him. "Mm?"

He yawns and nuzzles against me. "What happened to me?"

The question catches me completely off guard. My eyes widen and I stare down at him. "What?"

"It's a simple question," he says drowsily. "How did I end up in the hospital in the first place?"

"T- Tav... I..." I stutter like a motherfucking idiot, trying to find an answer. I can't tell him. He'll never believe me. Or he'll hate me forever. Or...

"It's weird," Tavros says, his eyes half-closed. "No one seems to want to tell me what happened. I mean, was it an accident or something? I can't remember..." He yawns again and starts to slump over against me. He's going out like a motherfucking light.

I slip my arm over his shoulders to steady him. "Shhh," I whisper, cuddling him. "It's not important. You're okay now, right? That's all that really motherfucking matters."

"Nnn..." he mumbles in response. He smiles weakly, then his eyes drift shut. The movie ends and the credits start rolling. I reach for the remote and shut off the TV. Tavros is dead asleep before I even get that far.

I sit there and hold him for a few more minutes. As long as it takes until I can let go again. My heart aches the whole time. He doesn't remember. He's slipped back into everyday life, as if it never happened. As if I never attacked him. Never sent him to the hospital. Never put him in a three-day coma. Erased his memories. Almost motherfucking killed him.

I hug him close, listening to his soft, steady breathing. He could have died that night. All because I was too scared to remind Terezi of her stupid little prank.

Guilt claws at my heart. I can't do this. It's all wrong. He shouldn't be trusting me like this. He should hate me for what I've done. He should never want to see my face again. I'm a killer. A motherfucking psychopath. And that's all I'll ever be.

I take a deep breath and untangle myself from the Snuggie. Tavros doesn't wake up. I wrap the blanket around him and lay him down on the couch. I watch him for a while, then leave a soft kiss on his forehead and force myself to walk away. I can't do this anymore. I don't deserve to be with him. All I can do anymore is hurt him.

He's not the same anymore. He's not the Tavros who was my matesprit for the past year. That Tavros disappeared that night. My matesprit is gone.

If this is my punishment for what I've done, then I guess I deserve it.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Day after day, nothing happened. It goes without saying that our stay at Rose's got extended because of the incident. I can't say I felt bad about that. The longer we spent off the island, the better. Here, I wasn't stuck in one motherfucking place. I could run out from time to time and get away from everyone.

Away from him.

It sounds wrong, I know. While Tavros was going through a major crisis, I spent the whole time running away from him. I wasted four days trying to avoid him. I felt bad about what I was doing. But I felt way motherfucking worse about what had happened before.

At first, it was just a feeling. I could get over it for a while until I could be alone again. Being with Tavros was worth it. But then it got worse. Every time I saw him, all I could motherfucking think was about what I'd done to him. It was so motherfucking disturbing. How could he just not remember? Had I hit him that hard? Or was it so bad that he'd just blocked it out? But then, why didn't he remember how I felt about him?

Being around him became... how would Kankri say it? Triggering.

I haven't spoken to him in two days. I haven't been away from him this long since he was in a coma. I know it's hurting him as much as it hurts me, if not even more. But I just can't motherfucking take it.

Tavros is gone from the house. I think so, at least. I haven't seen him around here for an hour or two. He must have gone out with Rose. It's dark outside. I must have been here all day. Probably the first day since Tav came back that I didn't spend away from here, "getting used to Earth life." I guess it was time he had a turn.

I slip out of my room and sneak downstairs. The house is dark, but I see a dim glow at the bottom of the stairs. Slurred laughter drifts out into the hallway. Terezi and Roxy must be having another of their Friday-night-party-of-twos. I reach the landing and take the long route to the living room, avoiding the kitchen. I'm not in the mood for getting wasted.

I flick the lights on and collapse onto the couch. I've done nothing all day. I don't know why I'm so motherfucking exhausted. I turn on the TV and flick through the channels, but nothing interests me. I settle for grabbing one of the random wizard novels sitting on the coffee table. I stare at the lines of ink until they start to blur together. This isn't helping.

"Gamzee?"

"Gah!" I almost have a motherfucking seizure at the sound of a tiny voice that pops up from out of nowhere. I kick the couch and the novel flies out of my hands. It takes me a second to get my senses back. I had pretty much fallen asleep with my eyes open.

I push myself upright again and turn around. Tavros is standing in the doorway, clutching a plastic bag in his fingers, a shy smile on his sweet face.

Well. No motherfucking escaping this now.

"Um... hey," I mumble halfheartedly, trying to recover from the embarrassing reaction.

He keeps his smile up and lopes into the room, his crutches holding him up every step of the way. The sound of the metallic legs scraping against the floor makes me want to rip my motherfucking heart out. "What have you been doing all day?" he asks brightly.

"Uh... nothing, really," I say, looking at the floor. "I kind of haven't left the motherfucking house all day. Just... kinda motherfucking tired, I guess."

He stops at the end of the couch and looks at me. "I've been stuck here for so long, so Rose thought maybe I should get out for a while. She took me to the mall. It was actually pretty cool, I think. We went out to a movie afterwards. My Soul to Take. It was really scary. You would've liked it." The plastic bag rustles against his crutches. He lifts it up and thrusts it toward me. "I got you something."

I look up and force a smile for him. "Aw. Thanks, bro. You didn't have to," I say, gently taking the bag from his cast-covered fingers. It's from Hot Topic. I peel back the thin film of plastic to reveal a shiny new Blood On The Dancefloor shirt. I laugh softly to myself. So he still remembers what I like.

He gives me that sweet, shy smile of his again. "I thought you'd like it," he says. "Um, Gamzee..." He hops on one foot and leans his crutches against the coffee table before crashing down on the couch next to me. "I was...um, wondering if... uh, I kind of wanted to talk to you about something."

I hold the shirt in my lap and look over at him. "Okay..." I mumble. "What is it, bro?"

"Look, I don't really know what's going on..." he starts off. "But I... I'm kind of confused here."

"Confused? What about, bro?"

"Ever since I got back from the hospital, you've been... weird."

There it is. I motherfucking knew this was coming. I tilt my head and try to play dumb. "Weird? What are you talking about?"

"Come on, Gamzee," he says, his face worried. "First you act like you can't stay away from me if you tried. Next thing I know, you're running away from me every chance you get. It's been three days and you haven't even talked to me."

"Tav, I..."

"I'm serious, Gamzee. I need you to talk to me. What's wrong?"

"Tavros..." I trail off. I don't know what to say. I can't tell him what happened. I can't tell him how I feel. He won't remember any of it.

"Gamzee?" He's staring at me. His eyes are burning into my motherfucking soul. "Don't just sit there and stare at me. Say something."

My gaze drops to the shirt in my lap. "Look, Tav, I... It's just all so motherfucking complicated... I don't think I could explain it if I tried."

"Oh." Tavros sighs and looks away from me. I hear Terezi and Roxy laughing drunkenly down the hall. I turn toward the noise. Gog, that is motherfucking annoying.

"Hey, Gamzee?"

I look up. Tavros has turned back to me. "Are you worried someone is going to hear?"

"Hear about what?"

"I don't know. You won't tell me."

I look away from him. I don't know what'll hurt him more, if I tell him the truth or keep on hiding. I feel the couch sinking down as Tavros scoots in closer. "Gamzee?"

I don't answer. I close my eyes and take a breath. Suddenly I feel his arms sliding over my shoulders and across my back. Tavros presses his face against my neck and hugs me tightly. I sit there for a second, frozen. Then my arms reach up and wrap around him, pulling him close. Wow. I forgot how good this felt.

"It's okay," he whispers against my chest. "It doesn't matter what it is. You can tell me anything. I won't be mad. I promise."

I squeeze him against me and loosen my hold on him, pulling away to look him in the eyes. "You promise?"

He nods. "You maybe want to go somewhere else? I'm afraid they'll walk in," he says, nodding toward the drunk laughter in the kitchen.

"Yeah. Good idea," I say. I get his crutches and help him up off the couch, letting him lead me up the stairs and down the darkened hallway to the door of his bedroom.

I walk in as he flicks on the light. His room smells like him. It makes me want him more than ever before. I muse around with the things he's left out on the dresser and night table to distract myself. He's left his iPod plugged into its little portable dock. I unlock it and press play, just to see what he's been listening to these past few days. Gym Class Heroes starts pouring out of the speakers. At least that hasn't changed. I turn the volume down and sit down on the edge of his bed. Tav leans his crutches against the bedpost and sits next to me. He smiles shyly. "You feel like talking to me yet?"

I want to tell him. I want to tell him everything so motherfucking badly. I know exactly what I would say. I might not know how he would react. He might hate me forever. But he has to find out sometime. It might as well be now. "Tavros..."

"Yeah?"

Say it. I have to mtherfucking say it. "Look, I just..."

"What is it, Gamzee?"

"I don't know what's been going on, actually. I've just been feeling really motherfucking weird lately."

Gog. Motherfucking. Dammit.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell him. I just couldn't make myself say it. I don't want him to hate me. Am I that bad? Would I rather let Tavros live a motherfucking lie just to keep him around rather than risk losing him as long as he knows the truth?

Apparently, yes.

Tavros looks at me, a confused expression on his face. "Why do you think that is?"

"I don't know," I say with a noncommittal shrug. "I've been trying to figure it out myself. I think it might be a side effect of my meds or something. I've never motherfucking felt something like this before, though. Maybe Jade's experimenting with some new ingredient or something. But I don't really motherfucking know." I look up at him. Somewhere in the distance, I hear the song playing on his iPod shuffle and change. "I'm sorry I've been acting so off, though. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings or anything."

"Oh," he says. He smiles at me. "That's okay. It's something you can't help, Gamz."

I force myself to smile back at him and look shyly away. "Thanks for understanding, bro."

"You know, it's strange," he says softly, almost to himself. "All this time, I thought-"

Suddenly he goes silent. I turn back to look at him. He's gone completely still, his face blank. His eyes are staring off into space, glazed and unblinking. "Tavros?"

He doesn't react. He only stays there, staring. He's gone completely motherfucking numb. "Tav? You okay?" I ask, waving my hand in front of his face. "Hey. Snap out of it. Tavros?"

Then I hear the music. It had been so quiet that I couldn't hear it. I recognize the song instantly. I had forgotten that he'd had it on his iPod too. When I first showed him, he liked the meaning in the lyrics so much that he had gone straight to his laptop and gotten it himself. He knew that song means a lot to me. He used to know why, too. Now it was playing out loud for all the motherfucking world to hear. Meg and Dia. Monster.

The rhythm pounds in my ears. I can't take my eyes off of Tav's still, emotionless face. The lyrics drift through the room, haunting me.

His little whispers, love me, love me,

That's all I ask for, love me, love me

Tavros isn't even breathing. I feel like I'm suffocating. Slipping under into the darkness all over again. What the hell is going on?

He battered his tiny fists to feel something

Wondered what it's like to touch and feel something

"Tavros?" I repeat, my voice barely a motherfucking whisper. He won't move. Won't even blink. Something is wrong. And it's motherfucking terrifying.

Monster, how should I feel?

Creatures lie here, looking through the window

I can't stand to listen to any more of this motherfucking song. I shoot my arm out toward the iPod dock on the night table and hit pause. I sit back on my heels and look at Tavros.

At first nothing happens. Then I hear a soft, raspy noise. Suddenly, he gasps and doubles over, falling sideways onto the bed.

"Tavros!" I cry out, reaching for him. I pull him back up and hold him steady as coughs rattle his tiny body. He gasps and wheezes, trying desperately to get air into his lungs. I rub his back until he can catch his breath again. Eventually, it slows down. He starts breathing normally again. "Tav," I say softly, running my hand gently over his back, "You okay? You scared me."

"I..." He chokes and stammers, trying to put a sentence together.

"Tav? Tavros, slow down, bro. What is it?"

"I... I can... remember..."

I stop breathing. My gaze locks onto Tavros. He's staring at me, his face blank. I don't even know what to think. I'm caught somewhere between happiness and panic. "What?"

"I..." he breathes. "I remember... everything... that song..."

My eyes are burning. I can't speak. Not until he says something else.

"We... we were matesprits... We had been for..." He looks up at me, his sweet brown eyes filled with shock and confusion. I can't take it anymore. The tears somehow work loose from my eyes. I scoop him up and hug him.

"Tav..." I sob into the top of his head. "Oh my gog. You remember." I kiss his face, tears smearing my makeup. "I missed you. I missed you so motherfucking much..."

"Y-you..."

I pull back to look at him. He's staring up at me, eyes wide with fear. "Tavros?"

He doesn't answer. I tighten my arms around him and hold him close again. He forces his hands in between us and pushes me away. He stares off into the distance, whispering to himself. I can't hear what he's saying. "Tavros, what is it?"

He looks up at me. It's only then that I realize what happened. It seems like the good memories weren't the only ones that came back.

I let go of him and back away. "Tavros, listen to me..."

He stares up at me, terrified. He pushes himself away from me, scrambling backwards on the bed until he hits the wall. "You tried to kill me..." he chokes, tears in his eyes.

"Tav, please..." I beg, standing in the middle of the room at this point. "Just let me explain. I couldn't stop it. It's out of my control. It was all just a big mistake..."

But he's not listening to me. All he sees is the way I disappeared, how my eyes went black, that murderous expression on my face as I faded away and the madness took my place. He gasps for air, tears streaming down his face. "You did this to me," he whispers. Then he changes. The fear is gone. Livid rage burns in his eyes.

"You did this to me," he repeats, louder this time.

I can't do anything but stare back. I hold my hands out in surrender. "Tav, please..."

He growls at me, his voice a raspy, venomous whisper."You... you monster..."

Before I can respond, his hand darts out to the night table. He grabs one of the novelty wizard sculptures and hurls it at me. I duck to the floor and it smashes against the wall behind me. "You're a MURDERER!" he shrieks.

My thinkpan goes fuzzy with panic. There's nothing I can do to help him now. I scramble to my feet and make a break for the door. Something else flies across the room and hits the wall. I hear Tavros screaming. "You tried to KILL ME! YOU'RE INSANE! YOU'RE A MONSTER! GET AWAY FROM ME!"

I grab the doorknob and slip through, slamming the door behind me. Tav is still screaming on the other side. "Murderer." I think I hear him starting to sob. "MURDERER!"

I can't motherfucking listen to any more of this. I run down the hall to my room, lock myself in and collapse. It's over. He hates me.

I curl up and bury my face in my knees. I guess that means this is it.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

I didn't sleep at all that night. I was lying in my bed for hours, trying to let go and drift away into motherfucking oblivion, just to forget. But sleep never came. All I could think of was Tavros and the look on his face, the way his sweet face turned into a mask of anger. I could still hear him screaming at me, feeling the rush of hatred and fear that could still be pulsing through him for all I know. He would never be the same. I had betrayed him. He had fallen in love with me, and I had turned around and stabbed his soft little heart.

I feel like I'm half-dead, and not just because I couldn't even drift off for a motherfucking second last night. I drag myself out of bed and downstairs for breakfast. I don't see Tavros. No motherfucking surprises there. There are still half-empty liquor bottles sitting on the counter from Roxy and Terezi's little get-together in the kitchen last night. Gog, I hate them so motherfucking much right now.

My day drags by. Nothing important happens. Hell. Nothing seems motherfucking important now that he's gone. I don't see Tavros even once in the four-hour stretch between waking up and leaving the house to explore Rose's estate. I'm out of the house doing nothing but wandering around in the woods for hours. I have no idea how I manage to spend a whole day doing that. By the time I finally turn back, the sky is starting to fade and the air is slowly growing colder. My breath drifts in front of my face in small puffs of fog as I race back toward the house, trying to make it back before it gets dark.

The house is silent when I walk through the door. Roxy must have gone out with Rose and Terezi. That means Tav is here all by himself. Not anymore, anyway.

My stomach growls. I haven't eaten anything since this morning. Weird. I didn't even notice until I got back that I was motherfucking starving. I drop my jacket by the door and rush into the kitchen to fix myself something to eat. It's only when I've already heated up a plate of leftover spaghetti and sat down at the table that I realize Tavros is standing in the corner. He'd been watching me the entire time.

I look up at him, forgetting the food sitting in front of me. He stares back, silent. For the longest time, neither of us say a word, only sit there, staring.

"Tav," I finally manage to choke out. "When did you..."

"A few minutes ago," he mumbles. "I was going to say something, but I..." He trails off. We both know what he was going to say. I was scared.

I drop my gaze back to the table and stuff a forkful of pasta into my mouth. I don't know what to say. I don't even know if there's anything I can say. I hear Tav's crutches tap against the floor and he inches a step closer. I look up. He's hesitating.

I take a deep breath and try to speak. "Tavros..." I shake my head and try to clear it. "I... I am so sorry."

He stares at me, his face blank. "Sorry for what?"

I take choke down a few more bites of spaghetti and try to think. "You know what."

Tavros tilts his head and takes a breath. "Why did you do it, Gamzee?"

My breath catches in my throat. I almost choke on the pasta I'm trying to swallow. Suddenly I'm not hungry anymore. "Tavros..." I murmur, refusing to look at him.

"It's a simple question," he says. He takes another step toward me. "What happened to you? One second you're perfectly fine, then the next you're trying to beat me to death. No one will explain it to me. I've been trying to get answers all day, and no one will tell me. So I'm asking you now. Why, Gamzee?" His voice is wavering. "Why did you do this to me?"

I push my chair back and stand up. "Tavros-" I try to reach out to him. He jerks backwards, fear clouding his eyes. I draw my hands back. "I'm sorry," I whisper. "I was so motherfucking stupid. I didn't know what they would think if they found out. I didn't want them to think I was motherfucking slipping again. I'm not. I swear I'm not..."

"What are you talking about?" Tavros asks. He comes closer. "Gamzee?"

I breathe out and look at the floor. I can't bring myself to meet his gaze. "I just... I need a minute. Can you meet me in the living room?"

Tavros nods nervously and backs away from me. "Sure. I guess." He turns on his crutches and limps out of the room, leaving me alone again. I look back at the rest of the leftovers on my plate. I don't want them anymore. I toss whatever's left and drop the plate in the sink before following Tavros into the living room.

When I walk in, he's sitting on the couch, staring into space. I can't even begin to figure out what's going through his traumatized little head. "Tavros?"

He jolts awake and turns to look at me. Once again we're caught staring at each other, neither of us sure of what to say first. I take a step further into the room. Tavros freezes up as soon as I try to get close to him, so I stay where I am. "Well?" he says softly, looking up at me from across the room. "Explain."

For a while, I don't know where to start. Everything's become so motherfucking twisted. "Tavros, before I say anything..."

"Yeah?"

"You have to promise to believe me. You've been motherfucking lied to enough. This time, I'm telling the truth. And you have to believe me. Okay, bro?"

He nods silently. "Okay."

I close my eyes and take another deep breath. No going back now. "You remember exactly what happened that night?"

"Yeah."

"Well... It was all sort of an accident. I don't know how else to explain it. And... I swear, I never wanted things to motherfucking end up like this. I didn't think they would. But... Gog, I sound like such a motherfucking idiot. I'm sorry, Tav. I just can't get my motherfucking thinkpan in order."

"Just take your time," he says, staring blankly at me. "I can wait."

"No, Tav. You've been waiting long enough." I take another step toward him. He doesn't freeze this time. "You have to hear this."

I get close enough to sit down on the other end of the couch across from him. I finally manage to get my motherfucking thoughts in order. "Okay. It all started out last week. We'd only been here for a day, and then... You know that thing that Roxy and Terezi do. The Friday-night-party. Well, they got motherfucking wasted, as usual, and... I guess Terezi thought it would be funny to throw out my pills. It was so motherfucking stupid. It was just a little thing, and would have been so motherfucking easy to explain, but... For some reason, when I found out what had happened, I didn't tell anyone. I thought... I thought maybe they would think that _I_ had gotten rid of them. They would think I was slipping again, just like I did before. But I'm not. I motherfucking swear, I'm not.

I only had a few days to hold out until we could get back and Jade could alchemize another month of doses for me. I'd only had a week's worth of pills anyway. But then... You know what happened. It had only been two days. I thought that I could last longer. I seriously motherfucking thought that. If... If I had been alone, or with someone else... anyone other than you..."

I can't keep going. Tears are welling up and burning my eyes. I finally force myself to look at him. "I never wanted to hurt you, Tav. I couldn't stop it. I... I'm so sorry."

Silence fills the room like ice water. Tavros stares up at me, the memories of the attack flooding across his thoughts. "Then... is that why you..."

I nod. "It could have been different. I was so motherfucking stupid."

He looks away, visions of that night, the night his sanity had tried so hard to make him forget, filling his head. "All I remember... All I saw was that there was something wrong with you. You just froze up and started going unresponsive, then you fell on the floor. I thought maybe you'd passed out, so I tried to wake you up, but then you opened your eyes and they were all black... and... and you..." He trails off. I already know what's going through his head, that the memory hurts too much to put into words. I've seen it happen before. I hoped I'd never have to see it again.

"Why..." he whispers, looking back to me. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I... I had wanted to, Tav. I really did. But I couldn't. I knew how much it would hurt you. And you would have never motherfucking believed me. I couldn't make myself do it. I just... I just didn't want you to hate me." I reach out to him. He takes my hand. "I love you, Tav," I whisper. "You know I do."

I feel his hand shaking, trapped against mine. He's scared. I can feel it. Before I can think, my heart takes over and I pull Tavros toward me and hug him close.

At first, it feels as if he's turned to stone. He goes cold and rigid in my arms, letting out a small, terrified gasp. A second later, I feel him starting to tremble again. Something warm and wet falls onto my shoulder in small drops. Tavros squeaks again and squirms against me, pulling his arms free to cover his face with his hands.

"Tav?" I murmur. He struggles away from me and curls up, his face in his hands. I reach out to him and grab one of his hands before he can pull away again. His palms are warm and slick. That's when I finally see his face. Sheer, chocolate-brown streams are running over his face. I slide my free hand under his, cupping his little face in my palm. My heart feels like it's being sent through a paper shredder. "I'm so sorry," I say again. I stroke my thumb gently over his cheek. "I can't just keep hurting you like this."

"G-Gamzee," he chokes out, his voice wavering. "What are you saying?"

I have to do it. It's too late. I've hurt him too much.

"Tavros, I..." I take a breath, fighting back tears. "I have to break up with you."

Neither of us can speak. Tavros stares up at me, his eyes huge and glassy. The look on his face makes me want to take it all back, but I know it's already too late. I had to end it. I couldn't stand seeing him get hurt anymore. I pull my hand away from his face and use it to wipe away the stray tears I already feel streaming over my cheek.

Tavros blinks at me and takes a choked, shaky breath. "W- what?"

"It's not your fault, Tav. I- I'm just too much of a motherfucking mess to be in a relationship..."

"No," he whimpers, his voice soft and unsteady. He reaches for my hand again. "I don't care about that. You know I don't. I-"

"Tavros, you don't understand," I say, cutting him off. I can hear my own voice starting to shake. "It's just too motherfucking dangerous for us to be together. I can't be your matesprit if all I can do is hurt you. I wish it didn't have to end like this. I love you, Tav. But I... I just don't want to see you get hurt again."

Tavros looks like he's about to die. "Gamzee, you said..."

"I know," I whisper, my fingers tightening around his. "So I'm letting you go."

I can't say any more. Anything else that comes out of my mouth will only make the heartbreak worse. My heart's already been destroyed a thousand times over. All I can do now is stay quiet and let him take it in.

Tavros looks away at first and swipes at his tears. His breathing is growing thick and uneven. The small, short gasps turn into sobs. Tavros collapses against me and falls to pieces. It isn't long before I've started crying as well.

Neither of us can speak after that. There's nothing more to be said. I just stay there, holding him against me, letting him cry on my shoulder. I need him, too. My indigo tears fall and soak into his soft black hair where I've buried my face. I keep him held tightly in my arms as if letting go will kill me. Who knows? Maybe it really will.

Slowly, I work one of my arms loose and slip my hand under his chin. I raise his face to mine and press my lips to his. I just need one last kiss from him. One last thing before it's over.

Tavros doesn't pull away this time. He tilts his head back and tightens his arms around my shoulders. He knows this will be the last time. He wants to heal it all over, too.

By the time I pull back and wipe my tears away, the pain is gone. I can't let go of him just yet. But I know this is where it ends.


	6. Chapter 6

**once again... TRIGGER WARNING.**

Chapter 6

By the time the sun rises the next day, I'm already awake. My bags are packed. All my stuff had been cleared out of my temporary bedroom. I'm going back to the island.

Tavros isn't coming with me.

I don't know how I got Jake to agree to come pick me up four days early. It seemed pretty motherfucking inconvenient, being that he'd only have to come back out here in a few days. I guess he just likes the travel.

I have to confess, I feel pretty motherfucking bad about leaving them behind. But the truth is, I just can't stay here any longer. Being near Tavros is only going to make it hurt more.

I still can't motherfucking believe it's over.

I ended it. Just like that. It seems like it was so motherfucking easy, now that I'm looking back on it. But I know it wasn't. I loved Tavros. Hell, I still do. But I guess it was for the best. I'll feel better after a while. But for now, I just need to go home.

Roxy knocks on my bedroom door. "Hey, Gamz! Jake's half an hour away from the harbor! We're gonna be late!" What do you know. She's not drunk. I grab my bags and carry them out to her car.

It's a two-hour drive from Rosewood to the Westport Shipyard. I sleep most of the way, my headphones jammed into my ears. Roxy doesn't try to strike up a conversation. She understands how much I'm hurting right now. At least I hope she does.

I pull my headphones out and put my iPod away as we pull into the parking lot a block away from the harbor. Roxy watches as I drag my stuff out of the backseat. When I turn around, she looks like she's about to cry. "Roxy?" I say tiredly. "You okay, sis?"

Roxy has her hand pressed to her mouth, her eyes glossy and her mascara starting to bleed. She squeaks and steps toward me, pulling me into a tight hug. She's crying softly into the side of my head. "I am so sorry, Gamz," she whimpers.

"Hey," I say softly, putting my arms around her to return the hug. "I'll be fine, Rox. I just need some time."

"This is my fault. Terezi thought it would be funny, and I was too fucking drunk to realize that someone could end up getting hurt. I should have stopped her."

"You're not the only sorry motherfucker whose fault it is."

Roxy pulls back, wiping at her eyes and trying to fix her mascara. "You don't have to do this."

"I know," I say, nodding mechanically. "But if I stay things will only get worse. And besides, Jake's already come all the way out here to get me. It'd be kind of a motherfucking waste to make him go back."

Roxy sighs and finally lets go. Her running makeup pushed back in its place, she starts off toward the shipyard, me following close behind. I see the USS Becquerel floating in the dark green water at the end of the dock. Jake is standing on the steering deck. "Aye! RoLal!" he shouts, waving us over. Roxy takes off toward the end of the dock at a high-heeled gallop. Jake slides down to the main deck, crosses the ramp onto the dock, and crashes into her before she motherfucking hurls herself off the end of the pier. For a second she's all smiles again as Jake picks her up and spins her around. I catch up and he sets her back down. Jake looks at me, a funny expression in his Jade-green eyes.

"Something happened?" he asks. "Other than the... incident?"

I nod, keeping my mouth shut. He tries again. "Was it worse than what happened before?"

His motherfucking Brit accent gets the better of me. "Kinda motherfucking depends on your definition of worse."

"Jake," Roxy says softly, tapping his shoulder. He turns to her, and she whispers something in his ear. Jake's eyes widen. He looks stunned. "He- they what?" Roxy nods, and he turns back toward me. "Okay. I understand." I'm stuck for a second, wondering what the fuck she just told him. They start up a conversation, leaving me to drop my stuff on board.

I cross the ramp and climb below deck. The tiny lounge below the main deck is comfortingly empty. I drop my stuff on the floor and crash down onto the soft cushions of the bench seat running along the wall. I'm so motherfucking tired. I've hardly slept for even a few hours in almost a week. Maybe I'll finally be able to get some rest once I'm back on the island.

A few minutes later I come back up to the main deck. They're still talking. Roxy looks upset again. I stay out of sight and try to listen in.

"They were so perfect together. I can't believe they..."

"Think about it, Roxy. He has his own reasons. You know what happened."

"Oh god, I was so stupid... I can't even imagine what he's going through..."

"He'll be okay. He just needs some time. And if things don't-"

That's when Roxy looks up and sees me leaning over the railing. "Gamzee?"

Jake turns around. Well. I guess that's the end of that.

"What were you talking about?" I say casually, crossing back to the dock.

"Oh, not much, just catching up," Roxy says, her face changed back to neutral. A loud, high-pitched plink cuts her short. Roxy's phone starts humming and she pulls it out of her pocket. She looks at the screen and groans. "It's Rose. Terezi's gotten into the liquor again. All this friggin' excitement and it's only nine-thirty in the morning!" She forces a laugh. It doesn't help.

"Well," Jake cuts in. "We've got a long trip ahead of us. I guess we should be off now."

Roxy nods and puts her phone away. "Okay. See you in a few days then?"

"I'll count the minutes," Jake laughs.

Roxy demands one more hug from me before I climb aboard and the ramp is retracted back to the side of the ship. I stand at the railing and watch as Jake climbs back up to the steering deck and pilots the ship out of the harbor. Roxy waves from the edge of the dock. I force a smile for her and wave back. She turns around and runs off. I stare after her until the marina is nothing but a motherfucking smudge in the distance. Jake is still busy with steering the ship towards our destination. Without another word, I slip back below deck and collapse in the lounge.

It's a eight-hour trip from Washington down to the uncharted island in the Pacific where Jade and Jake have been keeping me and the rest of the trolls since the day we arrived on Earth. The weather starts to warm up, the northern November chill gone. I come up to the main deck a few times to get a grasp on where we are. Jake tries to talk to me, but I stay quiet. I'm thousands of miles away from Tavros at this point. But I still can't stop thinking of him.

Eventually a smear of green appears in the distance. The sky has started to fade from blue to pink, purple and red as the sun slowly sets ahead of our course. As we draw closer, I see two huge shapes materialize out of the sunset. One is the extinct volcano that put the island there in the first place. The other is shorter, narrower, a sort of glowing orb sitting at the top. That's when I know we're in the right place. We're home.

Jake steers the boat up to the newly renovated dock. I grab my bags and come back up to the main deck. I hear a soft, distant thudding. I look toward the path coming down from the tower to the beach to see three dark figures racing down to meet us.

"Gamzee!"

The welcome party comes sprinting down the dock. Jade's at the front, waving wildly with a huge, breathless smile on her face. John's right on her heels, struggling to keep up. Karkat is lagging behind them. I cross the ramp and drop my bags on the weatherproof wood planks of the dock. Karkat's slowing down, gasping for air as Jade and John run ahead and crowd around Jake and me. He doubles over, panting with his hands on his knees. "Hey! Don't you assholes know I can only sprint?"

He straightens himself up and looks toward the end of the dock. Our eyes meet. He stands still for a second, looking at me as if I'm a motherfucking ghost. Karkat takes off at a dead sprint and crashes into me, almost throwing us both off the edge of the dock. He buries his face in my chest and locks his arms tightly around me. I laugh bittersweetly and return the hug. "Hey, bro. I'm home."

He looks up at me, a fire in his still-gray eyes. "Your room. Now. We need to talk."

When I walk in, it's as if I've come home from the hospital after surviving some lethal motherfucking disease. No one wants to leave me alone. For a whole hour, I'm stuck in the living room, answering question after question, getting a hug from everyone who cares enough to offer one. It's more than I ever thought I would get for something like this.

The minutes drag by. It seems like forever has passed before Karkat can finally manage to drag me out of the crowd. He follows me silently out to the transportalizer pad in the hallway. It drops us off on the twenty-first floor. Karkat grabs my arm and drags me to my room. He slams the door shut behind us and shoves me down onto my bed. "Okay," he says, sitting down across from me. "Speak."

I sigh and dig my fingers into my checkerboard comforter. "What's there to say? You motherfucking heard it all downstairs."

My moirail nods shyly. "Yeah, I guess so," he says. He looks at my hand, curled up on the blanket. "Can you show me your wrists, at least?"

"What?"

"Your wrists, Gamzee. I want to see them."

There's no point arguing. I let him grab my hands and flip them over, palms-up, to stare at the four scabbed-over slashes from the episode I had after the incident. Karkat traces his fingers over the dark, crumbling indigo lines. "You were that red for him, huh?"

"I still am, Kar," I say, my gaze fixed on the floor. "I... I love Tavros. I love him so motherfucking much, but I just couldn't keep hurting him. I knew it was going to happen sometime, but I didn't know it would happen then... or like this..."

Karkat sets my hand back down on the bed. "You just had to do it?"

I nod. I can't speak anymore. My eyes are starting to sting. "Gamzee?" Karkat is still looking at me, waiting for an answer. "Are you okay?"

"Bro... Karkat, I..." I stutter, trying just to form a coherent motherfucking sentence. All that comes out is a strangled sob. I feel a hot, salty drop rolling over my cheek. "I can't. I- I just motherfucking can't..."

Karkat reaches out and drags me close to him. I lean against him and he lets me stay there, crying, until I can get my shit together. I've needed him more than ever over the past week. It wasn't until now that I actually got to see him in person. It's more than I can handle. I completely fall apart and collapse into his lap. He shushes me and pets my hair, waiting for me to calm down. Eventually the sobs subside. He tries to talk to me again.

"You just needed a shoulder to cry on this whole time?"

I nod, my face pressed against his chest. I can't talk, no matter how hard I try.

"You were just really lonely out there, huh?"

Another silent nod from me.

"You want me to stay here with you?"

More nodding.

"Maybe tomorrow Aradia can summon Kurloz for you. You might like to talk to him. Or... sign to him, or whatever. I think maybe he'd understand, what with what he did to Meulin and all..."

I nuzzle against him and reach a hand up to wipe at the tears staining my face. "I-I'll think about it. Just... if you could... just stay with me for a while?"

He cradles my head and lays back on my collection of random pillows. "Of course."

Neither of us can say anything after that. I close my eyes and rest my head on Karkat's stomach. He stays with me, one hand still stroking my hair to keep me calm. Everything is quiet. I'm not alone anymore. It isn't long before I've drifted off to sleep next to him.

Karkat is gone when I wake up. I pry my eyes open and push myself upright. A glance at my digital clock tells me that it's only been two hours. 8:47. I wonder what time it is in Washington.

I grab my laptop off of its place on my dresser and flip it open. It takes what seems like motherfucking forever to boot up. The second my Deadwood Circus wallpaper shows up, I click my pesterchum app. I have some explaining to do.

The window opens and expands to full screen. I can't believe what I'm seeing.

_Message from adiosTroreador: 5:43 pm_

_Message from adiosTroreador: 6:14 pm_

_Message from adiosTroreador: 6:26 pm_

_Message from adios Troreador: 6:42 pm_

_Message from adiosTroreador_ for the next two hours until I picked up my laptop.

I click on the first message alert. A string of IMs appears from the last three hours.

_AT: hEY GAMZEE,_

_AT:bACK ON THE ISLAND YET?_

_AT:gAMZEE?_

_AT: yOU THERE? i WANT TO TALK,_

_AT: hELLO?_

_AT: i'LL MESSAGE LATER THEN,_

_AT: gAMZEE?_

_AT: i MISS YOU,,, pLEASE ANSWER ME,_

_AT: gAMZEE?_

I read through the endless messages. Tavros has been trying to get an answer from me for hours. By the time I finally reach the end, I've wasted another ten minutes. I figure that there's no point in stalling anymore. I spread my fingers out over the keyboard.

_TC: heY brO. i'M bacK._

I haven't even taken my hands off of the keyboard when the message blip sounds.

_AT: gAMZEE? iS THAT YOU?_

I laugh softly to myself and type another IM.

_TC: oF coursE iT iS, brO. whY wouldn'T iT bE?_

_AT: uM,,,,,_

_AT: i THOUGHT MAYBE YOU DIDN'T WANT TO TALK TO ME,,,_

I sigh and curl up in my pillows. Is that why he thinks I left?

_TC: whY diD yoU thinK thaT?_

_AT: bECAUSE_

_AT: yOU LEFT_

_AT: aND I THOUGHT IT WAS BECAUSE OF ME,_

_TC: oF coursE iT wasn'T becausE oF yoU._

_TC: I jusT neeD somE timE oN mY owN. beinG sO motherfuvkinG closE tO yoU madE thingS kindA... idK_

_TC: iT waS kindA awkwarD._

Not to mention painful. And wistful. And just so motherfucking sad.

_TC: sincE, yoU knoW, wE jusT motherfuckinG brokE uP anD alL._

_AT: yEAH, i GUESS YOU HAVE A POINT,_

_AT: iT WAS A LITTLE WEIRD._

_TC: it'S kindA motherfuckinG difficulT tO geT oveR somethinG wheN you'rE gettinG remindeD oF iT motherfuckinG constantlY._

_AT: wELL,_

_AT: aRE YOU ANY BETTER NOW, AT LEAST?_

_TC: yeaH, I thinK sO, brO._

_TC: it'S goinG tO takE A whilE thougH._

_AT: oK,_

_AT: i'M STILL COMING BACK IN A FEW DAYS, RIGHT?_

_AT: tHEY DIDN'T CHANGE THAT?_

_TC: nO, don'T thinK sO aT leasT._

_AT: gOOD. i'M STARTING TO MISS THE FAIRY BULLS._

_TC: theY misS yoU toO, brO. loL. :o)_

_AT: hEY GAMZEE,,,_

_TC: yeaH?_

For the first time since I started chatting with him, my computer is silent. He's stopped messaging. I start to wonder what's going on over there. Maybe he got called out of his room or something. Or maybe his laptop is out of charge.

The message board pings again. I quickly open the window again to read the new message.

_AT: nEVER MIND,_

For a second I want to throw my laptop out the motherfucking window. Never mind? What the fuck? Oh, yeah, that's fine Tav, just leave me moterfucking hanging. I mash my next message furiously into the keyboard.

_TC: neveR minD?_

_TC: whaT iS thiS, somE kinD oF motherfuckinG romancE noveL?_

_TC: telL mE._

_AT: uM_

_AT: nO,_

_TC: telL mE._

_AT: nO,_

_TC: tellllllllL meeeeeeeeeE_

_TC: :o( pleasE_

_AT: oK gAMZEE,_

_AT: i WAS JUST WONDERING_

_TC: yeaH?_

_AT: i WANTED TO KNOW IF MAYBE WE COULD STILL BE FRIENDS?_

My breath catches. What is he thinking over there?

_AT: gAMZEE_

I feel like I'm breaking up with him all over again. What is this?

_AT: aNSWER ME?_

I finally hear the message chimes. He's waiting for me to respond. I reach for the keyboard and quickly tap in a response.

_TC: whY woulD yoU eveN asK thaT?_

_AT: bECAUSE_

_AT: i LOVE YOU, gAMZEE_

_AT: aND_

_AT: i DON'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME BEHIND_

_TC: taV?_

_AT: i'M COMING BACK IN A FEW DAYS_

_AT: aND I JUST WANT TO KNOW_

_TC: taV._

_AT: i DON'T WANT THINGS TO BE ALL SEVERED BETWEEN US_

_AT: i MISS YOU. i STILL WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU, AND JUST BE AROUND YOU_

_AT: i JUST_

_AT: i DON'T WANT US TO HATE EACH OTHER_

_TC: TAVROS. I AM TALKING TO YOU MOTHERFUCKER._

_AT: sORRY,_

_TC: whY dO yoU thinK I hatE yoU alL oF A motherfuckinG suddeN?_

_AT: bECAUSE YOU LEFT?_

_TC: I coulD neveR hatE yoU, taV._

_TC: yoU knoW thaT._

_TC: anD I coulD neveR deserT yoU._

_TC: oF coursE we caN stilL bE friendS._

_TC: i'lL staY witH yoU tilL thE bitteR motherfuckinG enD, brO_

_TC: that'S hoW it'S alwayS beeN, anD that'S hoW it'S gonnA staY._

The message board goes quiet again. It's almost five minutes before he replies again.

_AT: dO YOU REALLY MEAN IT?_

_TC: yeS._

_TC: I meaN everY motherfuckinG worD._

_TC: I lovE yoU, taV._

_AT: i LOVE YOU TOO, gAMZEE. sEE YOU SOON._

Heat burns my face as indigo rises to my cheeks. It still makes me blush when he says that. I guess I'll always love him, matesprits or not. I take a breath and place my hands over the keys. There's still one last thing I need to say before this is over.

_TC: waiT, brO. beforE yoU gO_

_TC: caN yoU dO onE lasT thinG foR mE?_

_AT: yEAH, wHAT IS IT?_

_TC: pleasE, taV_

A single tear falls from my face and splatters onto the pillows.

_TC: don'T forgeT mE agaiN._


End file.
